A few months ago, I helped out on a movie set as an extra (tau suan man, anyone?) and tonight is the so-called "wrap party".

It was hosted at En Lounge and I had asked another close guy friend to come along with me. They were nice enough to invite all the people involved in the production of the movie (i.e including the extras) and they even gave a movie t-shirt to all cast and crew members. Thought it was really cool of them to make the effort to do all that even though it was a budget production.

I managed to meet up with some of the cast that "acted" (I would hardly classify my time in the movie as "acting") in the particular scene with me. These cast members are people from other walks of life and they were really interesting to talk to. There was this retired art teacher was who really good at drawing and I did get to talk to some of the crew members during the shoot itself.

In fact, quite alot of people showed up (including Eric Khoo) and most people looked really glamourous. As usual, I feel uneasy at such situations and I try to settle down quickly with the people I already know. As more and more people came, I got introduced to more and more people. The people I got to know are the other female extras that acted in another shoot. From talking to them I finally realised something about myself.

That I am actually a "difficult" man and in a social setting and extremely critical of strangers. I know that it's bad and I shouldn't be like that but I am just like that. I just don't warm up to people easily.

I got disinterested when this girl who was pretty friendly told me she liked "retro" music. This other girl who quite possibly would have some attitude problem went into groupie mode when someone spoke to her about trance music. Lastly, this girl who was quite nice started bitching about her ex-workplace in a rather bad way and that gave out really negative vibes.

I really suck at people and I guess that is not going to change that easily.

A close friend asked me why is blogging "such a big deal" and what it really meant to me.

Actually I don't know but I do feel that blogging is something very personal to me. Maybe it has fulfilled something or filled up a gap somehow and I can't really put a finger to what it is.

I don't think I can ever write to save my life and I do feel quite crappy over some of the previous entries and things that I wrote. Then I thought perhaps the imperfection is part of the fun of blogging. So is it a case of the end and not the means? I do feel better after blogging but how do I move on from here?

I think alot of things have changed since I first started blogging about two years ago. As I got more used to blogging, I noticed that my writing emits some negative vibes, more so recently as I haven't been very happy.

Going to be thrown into the wilderness very soon and I am really wondering where I will eventually land. Had a chat with my ex-boss and told him that I don't have much time left and basically bitched about how bad it had been and how I should have left last year when the "integration" happened. Somehow I could sense a certain kind of sadness in his tone when he wished me all the best for the future. I know that he did hope for me to move on to do something better off within the Bank but it just didn't happen.

And yes, where do I go from here?

I am back. For many times which I have been so tempted to blog. God knows how many times I have came in here, typed something only to hit Control A and delete everything subsequently.

Finally I succumbed. Today.

I feel like I am in a mad swirl. I have been off blogging for so long (almost one year) that the new Blogger interface feels like a stranger to me.

Maybe this post serves as an invisible marker for me. Have I changed? What has changed?

By some mutual agreement, I have chosen to leave my job and the Bank has decided that it's best that I leave too. It's a poor judgement on my part as I should have chose to leave during August last year when we "integrated". Like most mergers, my old team was the one being taken over and I had a new boss and new colleagues. There was just this huge discomfort between everyone and the time has come. I hope they will continue to do well without me. I have been procrastinating at looking for a new job because I really feel like I need a break.

Throughout these three years, I have not taken leave for more than three consecutive days. Not that I can afford a holiday but it would be good for me to have some time to myself. Maybe it's time for me to really think and decide on what I really want to do. Since I had foresaw this parting right at the start of this year, I started saving up money for an "unemployment kitty" and I will have to dig into it now since I have broken my rice bowl.

Hopefully, I will have some time to put my own house in order, do some volunteer work and be more consistent with my Reiki.

I am not angry anymore. The greatest help that Reiki has given me was in helping to myself to deal with that implosive anger. I was really being too hard on myself and my own feelings. The bitterness is still lingering there and maybe it will never go away but I am thankful that there has been no more "new anger" to precipitate more bitterness.

So what is this feeling that I am having? I feel jaded and drained. It did feel as though my life has been a futile search for answers that don't exist and all I did was to distract myself with the sights along the journey.

I don't think I even scream anymore. Not for help and/or out of anger.