I grew up from a poor family. Since young, I have always identifed myself as part of the "proleteriat".

I still feel the same now. I never clamoured to be the really rich and famous. In my course of work, part of it is learning and understanding the lifestyles of the well-off (or the "privileged"). My own preoccupation with my own social status has always made me feel awkward. This same preoccupation has always bothered me - as a school-going kid, through my teenage years and now when I am actually a working executive (I always thought that this term is really obscene). Sometimes I think my own bitterness and cynicism probably stemmed from this.

Can I really still identify myself as the "proleteriat"? I have been asking myself. Not that I make alot but my salary now is more than my folks' total household income.

Yes, it's almost 11 now and I am still slogging in the office. Then it's struck me that perhaps I am part of the "new proleteriat". The neo-working class. The type that has to dress up in a shirt/tie everyday and "observe the corporate protocol" while the truth is that I could be told to leave anytime. Many some of disagree and dismiss this as total crap, but I know the real risks - I could be made redundant anytime and I am sure there will come a time when we are slogging really hard just to hang on to dear work life. Recently, two very senior people from ex-workplace were given the golden handshake. Not because they were bad at what they do - in fact they both were very impressive managers in their own right each serving more than seventeen years in a global company. Now in their forties and having young children, I really hope they will go on to find something new.

I had been "in-between" jobs before and I really know how it feels like. It's probably worse if you have monthly repayments for the roof over your head or "other commitments".

That's why I have always strived to keep things simple and not try to over-extend myself. For those two people I have mentioned, both of them had always spend their time valuable time coaching me in my formative "work-years" and I am always grateful to them for that.

There were times when I really wonder if I should stop writing in this blog altogether. I guess the time has come again for me to ponder about the reasons for writing.

Why am I writing? Who am I writing for? If I were to stop, should I delete this blog? Who's reading this? Does this blog make any difference in other people's lives?

Why am I writing?
I really have no freaking idea. I think I lead such split lives with different personas at work, at home, with friends, with family, with extended family, with strangers, with Film Society folks, with acquaintances etc. Now, I must come to realise that my blog persona is actually just another of those extended split lives that I am living. My real life is nothing more that a messy culmulation of everything. Messy because all the conflicting mindsets of the different personas are trapped in one living body.

Is this just an outlet for me? To spell out all the rhetorical questions for myself? To belt out what my heart wants to say but I can never tell anyone?

Who am I writing for?
No answers for this. My blog rarely talks about people to begin with. Simply because of the fact that doing so wouldn't serve a purpose. I just feel that I should respect the privacy of others and that's why this blog is very much only centred on me.

It seldom has names. There's mostly only my feelings/opinions, places, events and inconsequential things like film or music.

Should I delete this blog if I were to stop?
"I read your blog sometimes because this is the only way that I will know that you are okay" -
So should I? Is this blog supposed to be a wrinkle in my time?

"Six million ways to die, choose one" (Gangsta Shit) DJ Cam

How does going to a drum 'n' bass gig give one lessons about branding?

I have never seen Home being so packed before. Is it because Goldie was playing? Suddenly, I see lotsa people whom I have never seen at other drum 'n' bass gigs before. Is this good or bad, I really have no idea. Yes, I do hope that the drum 'n' bass scene gets more supporters and that our folks from Home get some decent cover charges to cover the cost of bringing Goldie in (I am sure he's not cheap). On the other, I wonder if the club would ever be filled like that if Guerilla, Subvert or Exitmusik folks were playing? The following has always been small even though Singapore has seen the lights of acts like Concord Dawn, 4 Hero (yes, at defunct Fantasy Island), London Elektricity, Aphrodite and Mickey Finn.

Hang on, Goldie is not just another DJ. Goldie is a brand. Goldie is "the superstar drum 'n' bass DJ" (He had a role in a James Bond movie). You can't go wrong with that Metalheadz logo can you?

I must say that the tees that the service crew were wearing are really neat. Three cheers for Home.

Japanese summer in Singapore. This is my fourth time at the Bon Odori (Japanese Summer Festival).

It's an event which I look forward to every year but attending this year's festival has seriously made me and my friends think about not going to another for good.

It's getting way to crowded - maybe only half the amount of people attended the very first Bon Odori that I went to. The queues for food is too long and the quality of the food has been compromised greatly to make up for speed. Why should we even bother anymore?

The highlight of Bon Odori is the summer dance around the stage. The songs and the dance steps are the same every year. This year, I just couldn't feel the magic anymore. Tate I am growing old? Tabun I am more jaded now? Wakanai.

Can't help but to feel a little sad over the fact that I have outgrown Bon Odori. Maybe all good things in life come to an end.

Yes, it's Goldie playing in Singapore. For all the drum 'n' bass fans who's been holding their breath, it's finally happening.

It's always difficult to score for a recorded interview with the "superstar" DJs hence it's within my expectations that it wouldn't be happening. I am sure that the fee to bring him in would been hefty and kudos to those people who made it happen.

This man created alot of impact on the whole genre but to cast my cynicism aside, I really hope he bothers to play a good set.

Sometimes I really think that whats worse than getting 'No' is not even getting an answer at all.

What happens if you discover that you have a fundamental weakness/flaw that prevents you from achieving true greatness and that you could never overcome it?

It's interesting how we could have got two DMC World champions in town over a span of a few days. Just one day after interviewing A-trak, I found myself with DJ Craze who holds the honour of winning three titles back to back. This is also the first time I am doing back to back interviews with DJs from different gigs and different clubs.

This is really good timing, as I plotted to have this angle - asking two DMC winners identical questions and doing a "double-deal". Since both of them are close friends in the DJ world, I have decided to spice it up by making known to both of them that each of them would be answering the same set of questions.

It's meeting people like Craze that makes me feel that I should continue doing this for as long as I can even if no one ever reads the damned interviews that I do. He was honest, fun and straightforward. This has got to go in as the shortest interview that I have done but it's one of the most satisfying as well.

The Flow Show at DXO has upping their gears. After watching Kid Koala there few weeks earlier, we now have A-trak in town. A-trak was the famous kid (see my earlier post on Thursday, 23 September, 2004) who won the Technics World DMC title when he was fifteen - the age when you weren't even legally allowed to enter a club.

Kid Koala
It's not hard to see why he's such a great DJ, you can really feel how happy he was when he's on with his decks. I always believe that you have to enjoy what you are doing first in order to make others enjoy it too. There were certain parts of his set when the sheer intensity brought on the goose bumps and some wetness in my eyes. Who else would have incorporated film score of (The Last Emperor) and opening theme of (Weird Science) in a showcase?

I had alot of fun interviewing him. He was surprised that someone in Singapore was chatting with him about how his records got stolen in France and how Ninjatune offered a reward of the entire catalogue of their releases if someone returned his records. Singaporeans might find it strange that his favourite movie is (Forever Fever). And yes, Eric San (Kid Koala) is Chinese.

More than just a DJ, he also did a book of his own drawings called Nufonia Must Fall.

A-trak
Like Kid Koala, he's Canadian too. Winning the holy grail of turntablism will mean that one could make a comfortable living just by DJ-ing all over the world. It's been eight years since he last won the title at the age of fifteen and people will still remember him as the youngest person to ever win the title at the tender age of fifteen.

Not trying to discount his skills on the wheels of steel but he didn't seem to show much joy or emotions in his set. Perhaps fearing that the crowd might not have been to pleased with watching turntable tricks, he chose to put on party tunes and kept the routine to a minimum. Though he did show what he's made of when he went crazy on the decks right at the end.

He's seriously jet-lagged but I am glad I got enough out of him to do the a special DMC feature for next month. He will also be the one whom I had the worst picture that I had ever taken together with a DJ.

Coincidence? Just when I wrote about wanting to watch (The Wayward Cloud)《天边一朵云》 for next year's SIFF, Cathay actually decided to bring it in.

I haven't been out for the past three weekends. Was just happy getting holed up at home watching DVDs that I borrowed from Esplanade library. Been trying to borrow a mixture of different types of film but it's very skewered towards old Samurai movies (lots of old Zatoichi films and trying to re-watch Yojimbo and some Kurosawa classics) recently.

It felt like such a luxury just to be able to stay home and not do anything else because weekdays are just littered with mad concentration trying to get work done.

In order to maximise my time outside the house, I arranged to watch two films back to back and then rush to the Atrak gig at DXO right after that. It's The (Wayward Cloud)《天边一朵云》 followed by (Be With You).

The Wayward Cloud《天边一朵云》
I really don't know if I can think of all three films as a trilogy or whether the director had originally intended for it. It's interesting to note that all three films were very different from one another. I do feel that this closely mirrors life as it's really possible that we could really be living very differently at every different minute.

If one pieced all the films together it becomes one wide story but it appears that most people who watched it probably only knew of this particular film due to the media attention it's received. As film lover, it disappointed me some way that masses only caught on because it touched on pornography. Would they have appreciated the earlier films and all their subtle messages in each of them?

The previous two films had all touched me in different ways. Personally, I really didn't like the way it ended. For the all the build-up to the "climax" (pun intended), the truth is that I found it totally anti-climatic. However, not liking the ending doesn't mean that I do not appreciate the film. I am second guessing that it could have been deliberate to have an ending to have it as an anti-climax. Perhaps only Tsai Ming Liang will know.

Be With You (Ima, Ai ni Yukimasu)
The biggest reason why I had chose to come out alone to catch this is because I knew I would cry. I have never been uncomfortable about shedding tears. But being around someone I know will put me at risk of being judged (no matter how little) and all crying really means to me is that I am getting in touch with my own feelings.

It felt good, just to be able to let go and be natural. Tears are as natural as breathing.

Without trying to place too much emphasis on the metaphysical aspects of the film, I really liked it. I will put this film on par with another favourite that I had seen this year - Kim Di-duk's 3 Iron (Bin Jip).

I had learnt that someone I knew has a grave illness now and it's saddened me greatly. That night when I was home after hearing the news, I put (Winter) on auto-repeat so that the pianos would be able to lead me into slumber.

I have alot of respect for this person, not because he's someone who leads a company but because he's someone who has been very honourable, humble and sincere. I have utmost respect for him not just as an individual but also as a father to four really cute children.

It's really sad because he was someone who was very active and cheerful. This is a reminder of how destiny can choose to deal a really heavy hand to anyone of us.

And the last conversation I had with him was how I preferred Kimi's driving to all the other drivers in the BMW F1 team. Now I really just hope that he will be able to recover soon.

After a really busy stretch, the workload is slightly more manageable now.